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  Luke was still frowning at me, but less fiercely, and his shoulders had lowered. “I don’t see how running away with no money and nowhere to go—especially at night—would have helped the situation.”

  “It wouldn’t. Like I said, I panicked. I figured I’d work out the details later. I admit, I was being stupid.”

  Luke came all the way into the room finally and sat on the edge of the other bed. The anger seemed to have drained out of him, leaving behind sadness and worry.

  “Was that it?” he asked quietly. “Or did some part of you want to go back to being Nightstruck again?”

  I flinched at the question, because it wasn’t one I wanted to think about. “I’m about ninety-nine percent sure that had nothing to do with it,” I told him.

  “Then what it really comes down to is that you don’t trust my mom and me.”

  I gave him an incredulous look, having not seen that one coming at all. “Of course I do!”

  “Then why would you try to run away a second time? Why didn’t you consider, I don’t know, talking it over with us or something instead of acting like we were some kind of obstacle you had to get around?”

  “I told you I wasn’t thinking straight!”

  “And were you thinking straight the night you snuck out to kill Piper?”

  I groaned and lowered my face into my hands. I’d thought both Luke and his mom had somehow understood why I’d done what I’d done. Up until now, neither one of them had even mentioned that terrible decision of mine, much less questioned it. I guess they were just being nice in deference to my fragile state of mind.

  My first instinct was to clam up and refuse to talk because it was too uncomfortable. But I owed Luke an explanation even though he’d never asked me for one. Before now, at least.

  I raised my head and rubbed at my eyes, feeling suddenly exhausted. It’s amazing how tiring it is to ride an emotional roller coaster that plunges to such deep lows.

  “You and your mom are both good people,” I said. “The best people. I knew if I told you what I was planning, you would have stopped me. You wouldn’t have wanted me to take that kind of risk.”

  “And we would have been right. Maybe if you’d talked to us instead of taking off like you were the Lone Ranger, you would have realized that and spared us all four weeks of misery.”

  I shook my head. “Maybe you and your mom would have felt better about it, but I wouldn’t. You have no idea what it’s like carrying all of this around with me, knowing that none of this would have happened if it hadn’t been for me. All the people who’ve been hurt, all the people who’ve died…” I let my voice trail off and shuddered. My back and shoulders bent under the weight of it.

  Luke stood up, and at first I thought he was about to walk out, that he was sick of my whining and complaining. I knew he understood, at least to some extent, but that didn’t make it any easier to be around me. But Luke really is one of the best people on the planet. Instead of leaving me to mope in solitude, he sat on the bed beside me and wrapped his arms around me. I didn’t feel like I deserved a hug after what I’d just tried to do, but I didn’t have the willpower to resist it. I sagged into his arms, heedless of the dampness of his shirt.

  “You don’t have to carry it all alone, Becks,” he said into my hair, his arms warm and firm and perfect around me. “I’m willing to help you if you’ll just let me.”

  I put my own arms around him, squeezing tight as my heart swelled with emotion. “I’m not great at accepting help,” I said into his shoulder. “You may have noticed that about me.”

  He laughed briefly. “I may have.”

  I expected him to let go of me any moment now, but his arms remained around me as one of his hands stroked slowly up and down my back. I wasn’t about to let go until I had to.

  “Did you mean what you said in that text?” he asked.

  My chest constricted. I knew, of course, exactly which text he was referring to, and I was completely unprepared to answer him. I’d never thought he’d bring it up, thought he’d treat it like the embarrassing secret it was and let me off the hook. It would have been so much easier that way, if we’d just pretended it never happened.

  What could I say? Surely I couldn’t say yes, couldn’t say I loved a guy I’d made out with, like, twice. And who had technically still been my best friend’s boyfriend at the time. I didn’t want him to think that I was some psycho stalker girl who saw true love at the slightest provocation. And yet saying no seemed even worse. Cruel, somehow. Not to mention probably a lie. I think I’d loved Luke for a long time and just never allowed myself to admit my feelings were anything more than a juvenile crush.

  Luke was still patiently waiting for an answer. I hoped the awkward silence would convince him to change the subject, but no such luck. He was holding me close to his chest, and I could hear the thumping of his heart against my ear, the sound strangely comforting. I just wanted to cuddle there without thinking or talking, but that wasn’t among my options.

  “I don’t know,” I finally murmured, since I couldn’t convince myself to say either yes or no. The hand that had been stroking my back stopped moving, and I realized that was probably the worst possible answer. I was brave enough—or maybe just stupid enough—to run out into the night and try to kill Piper, but I wasn’t brave enough to own up to my own feelings. How pathetic is that?

  My cheeks were flaming hot as I wriggled out of Luke’s embrace, and there was no way I could bear to meet his eyes. Luke had risked his life to drag me out of the square and save me from the night, and I didn’t even have the guts to admit how I felt? God, I loathed myself in that moment.

  “It’s all right, Becks,” Luke said. “I shouldn’t have pushed it. Sorry.”

  Oh, man. Now he was apologizing because I was being a wimp? He was most definitely too good for me.

  “I meant it,” I blurted out unexpectedly. I couldn’t believe those words had escaped my mouth, and I immediately wanted to sink through the floor and disappear. The heat in my face was epic, and my fingers were digging into the mattress as if somehow holding on tight enough would make this all better.

  “I thought I would never see you again,” I said, forcing my voice out through a tight throat. Then I shook my head. “No, that’s not right. What I was really afraid of was that I’d see you again and I’d be like Piper. That I’d say cruel things and hurt you just for the fun of it. I couldn’t bear to let that happen without telling you how I really felt first. I know that was, like, super melodramatic, and—”

  I didn’t get to finish the sentence because Luke’s lips were suddenly on mine.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Luke had kissed me a couple of times before, and it had been fantastic. I had wanted him for so long, and had never felt any hope that I might get him. Kissing him was like finding the Holy Grail.

  At least it had been before.

  Remembered glories flooded me as I savored the warmth and softness of those lips, but hard on the heels of those memories came other, much less pleasant ones. Memories of Aleric kissing me, of my body responding to him in all the ways it had to Luke. Memories of Aleric helping me out of my clothes, pressing his naked body against mine.

  I shuddered and pushed Luke away, though part of me screamed to forget all about Aleric and take what Luke was offering. That part of me couldn’t outshout the other, which cringed with revulsion at the memory of what I’d done. Of what I’d let Aleric do. And most of all, of what Aleric was.

  I’d always harbored the suspicion that I wasn’t worthy of a guy like Luke, that he was totally out of my league. Now I felt dirty and damaged on top of it. How could I relax into his kiss, how could I give him what he deserved, when I had that floating around in my memory banks?

  “I’m sorry,” Luke said the moment I pulled away. “I didn’t—I wasn’t—”

  He sounded alarmed, like he was afraid he’d hurt me, or like he thought his kiss had been completely unwelcome. I felt warmth flooding my fac
e and once again was tempted to crawl under the bed and hide. I didn’t want to give him the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech, but that was the only thing I could think of to say.

  “Don’t be sorry,” I said. My throat tightened up, my voice getting thick. Luke was not naive, and he knew what the Nightstruck were like. He probably already had a good idea that I wasn’t a virgin anymore. Hell, he probably already guessed I’d slept with Aleric. Maybe he’d have been perfectly content if that knowledge could remain nothing but uncorroborated speculation, but I didn’t think there was any way I could avoid hurting him. If I didn’t give him a good explanation for why I pulled away, he couldn’t help but take it personally. I know I would have in his shoes.

  “I had sex with Aleric,” I forced myself to say, nausea roiling in my belly. The fact that I’d actually enjoyed it at the time made the memory worse, not better. I almost thought I would feel less dirty if he’d raped me. “Until I can find a way to … to scrub that from my memory, I don’t think I can…”

  Of course I didn’t have the guts to look at Luke when I made the admission, so I couldn’t see his first reaction. I had to believe he’d made a face of disgust. I was probably lucky he hadn’t leapt to his feet and run to the bathroom to wash his mouth out.

  There was a painfully long moment of silence before Luke spoke again, and when he did, it wasn’t to say any of the awful things I was expecting. Not that Luke would ever say anything awful, not really. He’s too nice a guy for that. But still, I was braced for something unpleasant.

  “Am I supposed to be shocked?” he asked instead. He was still sitting intimately close to me, and he reached over to take my hand, twining his fingers with mine. “It certainly seems like the kind of thing Aleric would do.”

  “But I let him,” I rasped, the shame weighing on me so heavily my shoulders bowed. No, I hadn’t just let him—I’d encouraged him.

  “You were Nightstruck.”

  “That’s no excuse!”

  I tried to pull my hand away from his, strangely angry that he didn’t seem in the least bit surprised or disappointed in me. He squeezed my hand tighter, not allowing me the easy escape I craved.

  “So if some guy slips a roofie into a girl’s drink, it’s her fault if he assaults her while she’s out of it?” Luke asked.

  “That’s not the same thing.”

  “It’s exactly the same thing,” he argued.

  He certainly sounded like he meant it, not like he was just saying the words he thought I wanted to hear. I glanced at his face and saw nothing in his eyes but sincerity and concern. It seemed too good to be true.

  But, I reminded myself, he’d figured out what had happened long before today, and he’d had plenty of time to digest it and get past his first reaction. Maybe he’d even talked it over with Piper, or with his mom, and that was why he was able to be so reasonable and sweet. Obviously I didn’t have a whole lot of experience with guys, but I didn’t think books and TV shows and movies were just making up the whole testosterone-fueled jealousy and possessiveness that the male of the species was capable of. Even Aleric had been jealous, and he wasn’t even human. Besides, Luke didn’t know what else I’d done while I was Nightstruck. Would he still be this understanding if he knew about Stuart’s death and the part I played in it?

  Luke’s hand tightened convulsively on mine, making me wince. He loosened his grip immediately but leaned forward so he could look me in the eyes with extra intensity.

  “Don’t let that asshole screw with your life any more than he already has. You didn’t do anything wrong, and I’m not the kind of guy who thinks any girl who’s not a virgin is a slut. I mean seriously, Becks, how many boyfriends had Piper been through by the time she got around to me?”

  Even in my misery, I managed an almost amused snort at that. Before Luke, Piper had flitted from boyfriend to boyfriend so fast it was hard to keep track of them all. I don’t think she slept with all of them, but certainly some of them.

  Unbidden, another memory assailed me, that of Nightstruck Piper mocking Luke, suggesting she had been his first.

  “At least her boyfriends were all human,” I said.

  Luke sighed heavily and finally let go of my hand. “If you’re determined to make everything be all your fault, then maybe I can’t change that. But it gets old, you know. So you made some mistakes! Everyone does. Maybe running off half-cocked acting like you’re the only one in the world who can fix things isn’t the best way of handling it. Maybe you should just deal with it already.”

  “I’m trying!” I protested miserably.

  “Well try harder.”

  * * *

  I half-expected Luke to park himself in my room and play watchdog until his mom got home, but either he trusted me to stay put or he was just sick of me and my attitude. He went into his own room and shut the adjoining door. Soon, I heard his shower turn on.

  I looked at my half-packed duffel bag, then at the door. If I wanted to get away and face my troubles on my own, now was the time to do it, but running away didn’t seem like such a hot idea anymore. My best chance of staying out of Aleric’s clutches was to get past the quarantine and escape Philadelphia. For that, I would need help. I didn’t know if Luke and his mom were exactly the kind of help I needed—would they really know any better than me how to sneak past a military blockade?—but at least I’d have someone to bounce ideas off.

  I finished packing for our evening room change, but I stayed put. When I heard the shower go off in Luke’s room, I made sure I was making noise in my own so that he’d know I hadn’t left. I can’t imagine how he would have felt if I’d disappeared on his watch, and I really hoped his decision to leave me alone was a sign of trust and not just disgust.

  Dr. Gilliam had already made a new reservation for us, so we moved the minute she got off her shift at the hospital. It was always a close shave to get moved before the Transition hit and the city turned into its nightmare self, so by mutual—if silent—agreement, neither Luke nor I brought up the afternoon’s events until we were settled in our new room. Then, he fixed me with a significant look, one that said if I didn’t start talking, he would.

  So I told Dr. Gilliam about Sam’s “unofficial” visit, and about the anonymous source who’d named me as the shooter, and about Aleric’s ominous threats. I conveniently left out the part about how I’d tried to run away and Luke had stopped me. If he wanted to rat me out, that was fine, but I saw no reason to bring it up myself.

  Dr. Gilliam looked appropriately concerned after I’d finished, her brows furrowed. “We need to get you a lawyer,” she said.

  It seemed like such a … mundane thing to do. Something you would do when life around you was otherwise normal. The thought hadn’t even entered my mind until Dr. Gilliam mentioned it, and when she did I felt like an idiot. Hiring a lawyer was the obvious thing to do when you were worried you might soon be arrested. However, there was a big, big problem with the idea.

  “I can’t afford a lawyer,” I said. “Not unless I use my mom’s credit card to pay for it, and I don’t want her to find out about this.”

  Dr. Gilliam’s eyebrows shot up. “Why on earth not? She’d probably have some suggestions for who you should call.”

  I shook my head. I had no doubt my mom would have suggestions. Although she was a corporate lawyer herself, I knew she had plenty of friends who were criminal attorneys. I had the dark thought that there were probably a lot of attorneys who’d been Nightstruck, but that was probably my dad and his low opinion of criminal attorneys talking. Back when he and my mom were married, they used to get into big arguments whenever he made some snarky comment about how much harder lawyers made his job.

  “If she finds out I’m in legal trouble, she’ll try even harder to get into Philadelphia. And a judge somewhere might think me being arrested for murder and having no family member to look after me was a good reason to let her come.”

  “Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”

&
nbsp; I’m sure Dr. Gilliam would have been overjoyed if my mom showed up to take me off her hands. Her life was already stressful enough without me. Working in the emergency room at a time like this would be enough to drive most people to a padded cell, and she also had to deal with the strain of being forcibly separated from her husband. Even if my mom came for me, Dr. Gilliam and Luke would have to live in hiding, because Aleric knew I cared about them. But at least if I was gone, she wouldn’t have to worry about me doing anything stupid—like, say, running away—or about my mom blaming her for anything that might happen to me.

  “My mom doesn’t understand the threat,” I reminded her. “She thinks we’re all sick and hallucinating, so she’s not going to want to listen to me about taking precautions. Maybe after her first night here, she’ll be convinced, but maybe not. Maybe she’ll just think she’s sick, too. And even if she doesn’t … You know my mom. Don’t you think she might be vulnerable? I mean, she’s not a bad person, but then neither was Piper.”

  Dr. Gilliam thought about it a moment, then conceded my point with a little shrug. “I see where you’re coming from, I really do. But she’s your mother. She has a right to know that you’re in this kind of trouble.”

  “If I do get arrested, then yeah, she has a right to know. But right now all that’s happened is Aleric placed an anonymous tip that made Sam ask me some unofficial questions. I’m not in any real trouble yet.”

  “Which is a good reason to get a lawyer now. Waiting till you’re in real trouble will complicate things.”

  I shook my head. “If I get into the kind of trouble Aleric’s threatening, being prosecuted will be the least of my worries.”

  Not the most comforting thought, and Dr. Gilliam didn’t look convinced.

  “If I can talk to a lawyer without my mom finding out, then I’ll do it,” I conceded, but that was as much of a compromise as I was willing to make.

  I decided now would be an excellent time to change the subject. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I think we need to get me out of the city.”